The Bandhej Bond

My love affair with Bandhej or tie-and-dye started when I was in standard 10. My sister had gone to the prestigious BITS, Pilani, and on her first visit home, brought back a bandhej salwar material for me.

She painstakingly explained to me that the cloth, roughly the size of a big handkerchief, would expand once you start removing the threads. And that was what I did for the next couple of hours. Opening up the knots, counting them and stretching the material. It was just too much fun to see beautiful designs unfolding as I went.

It was the first time I was coming across hand made designs. I was awestruck by the thought that somebody had taken a grain of rice, bundled it with that tiny bit of cloth, tied a knot, repeated that process a few hundred times and then coloured the cloth! It was just so special to wear something that had so much thought and effort put into it!

For the newbies, this is what a whole saree looks like when it has been tied and dyed

Are you a connoisseur of hand worked textile too? Whats your favorite?

The first meeting

We were happily holidaying in Coimbatore when the adoption agency told us we had to meet the baby and get the physical matching done, the day after. And the baby was in Jaipur!

However much you are prepared, the last two days before the meeting are hectic. We had to drive down to Chennai, get our documents ready, pack stuff for the baby, and take the flight out to Jaipur- all in under 24 hours. This is when a support system helps. My family and friends got most of the stuff ready and we were on our flight the next afternoon.

People, who are familiar with the complete story, know that our meeting with the baby was a very emotionally charged experience. When we got her reference, we strangely knew that she was the one! Come what may, we just HAD to meet her and get her home. Even as there was some unclear eye condition, we had decided to take her even before meeting her. (Thankfully, it turned out  to be nothing at all, and she is perfect!)

In our excitement to meet the little one, we skipped breakfast and announced ourselves at the adoption agency at ten in the morning.  One of my friends had told me that the paper checking usually takes the first half of the day and you get to meet the baby only in the evening.  We were thrilled when they got her out within 20 minutes!  There she was, cuddled and bundled (it was peak Jaipur winter) in the arms of the care giver, with a bewildered look in her eyes. The in-charge pointed to her eye and asked us if we are okay with that, our only answer was "She is our daughter".

We were allowed to keep her for three hours on the first day.

We spent the time swinging in the garden and chasing her brother

She even gave us her first smile

The most difficult thing was saying bye at the end of the first meeting. But we had Little A to distract us.

We visited her everyday for the next five days until we could sign the foster care papers and get her home. We took permission and had her tested for HIV. (A complete medical examination was already done, but in case you have genuine concerns, the agency obliges.)

I will post later on how you need to get ready to bring the baby home. Until then, Ciao!

Much ado about Home Study

Aside of meeting the baby, the most exciting thing to happen during the adoption process is the Home Study. Its exciting because it is the first human interaction since you register, and it is unnerving because there is possibility that you could be rejected. 

A call from the social worker informing us of her imminent arrival stirred up a flurry of activities. I was simultaneously worried about the state of my home, my son's uncut hair, the pending documents and how to tuck away my grey hair effectively lest I look too old to raise a baby :)

My mind simultaneously went on auto-rewind and recalled everything my friend had told me. And I tell them to you plus my own experience below. 

What happens during Home Study?

It is when the Social Worker from the chosen SAA visits your place and evaluates you, your home and all the members of the family who live under the same roof and interview all of you. She also checks all the documents and advises you on any other documents you need.She also throws light on how the entire process works.You can talk to her and get your doubts clarified

Who should be present at home during the Home Study?

Everybody who lives under the same roof should be present during the home study. If you already have children, they should be present too. If someone else is going to be the primary care giver for your baby, perhaps your parent in case both of you are working, they should also be present.

How long does a Home Study last? 

In our case, it went on for 4 hours. But it did not seem too long as we were enjoying the whole process too, and entertaining the Social Worker like we would entertain a guest. We were open with our questions about adoption and attentively listened as she counselled us.

How clean should my home be?

Get your home as clean as it would be on a 'good home day'. Let it not be too sterile or overdone. Basically, be yourself. 

How should I prepare my child for the Home Study?

If there is something more unpredictable than the weather, it is our children's behaviour. Even the SAA knows that. They just check if the child knows about adoption and is willing to have a sibling. Little A was asked questions like "Will you take care of your sister?" and "Will you share your toys with your sister?"to which he thankfully nodded yes. (Phew!! There went 100 Rs to my Kuladeivam )

What kind of information would the Social Worker need?

Well, pretty much everything about your life. Mine included questions on how well I get along with my MIL to why I do not work. We were asked how often we fight. Whatever the question, just answer politely and honestly. Do not be offended by any question because it is important information to the Social Worker. Just help them know you better

When will the Home Study Report (HSR) be uploaded?

The HSR shall be uploaded before 15 days from the date of Home Study. 

How much should I pay during the Home Study?

We paid 6000 Rs as our Home study fee. Check the CARA guide lines for the exact amount to be paid. Keep your cheque book handy. 

A final word, just be yourselves and don't hold back any question that you have about adoption, because you will not be meeting an authority on this subject very often. 

Drop in a comment if you have questions, and Good Luck with your Home Study!!

Documents required for adoption in India

Disclaimer: The information furnished below is limited my knowledge and experience, and the exact documents that you need must be obtained from the CARA website www.cara.nic.in or from the Social Worker or from the CARA helpline. Take this only as a guideline.

Their first reaction when people come to know we adopted is almost always, "You adopted? That would haven been such a lengthy process, and such a lot of paperwork!!"

Well, yes, and no!

In this post, I will discuss about the documents you need to keep handy when you are planning to adopt. Ensure that you have all the originals and two copies with you. You could save a lot of time by having the necessary documents ready.

Why does CARA need to check all your documents? For CARA, the child's interests is primary. They take all efforts to check that you are genuine wanna-be parents and have the sufficient resources, while alive and later, to take care of the child.

There are the usual ID proofs that you need to submit during the registration process. Once your registration is approved by the local SAA (Specialised Adoption Agency), they will get in touch with you to agree on a date and time for the Home Visit. They will also tell you what documents the Social Worker shall ask to see.

Check out what we showed the Social Worker during her Home Visit

Documents specific to adoption

• Reference letters on stamp papers - 2

Two reference letters are needed  from friends who have known you as a family for a long time. The letters should cover the following information

1. How they know you
2. For how long they know you
3. How they think you are suitable to be adoptive parents
4. How well you have raised your child(ren), if applicable

Since we have lots of long term friends, this was not a problem

• Undertaking letters on stamp papers - 2

Two sets of undertaking letters from relatives. They need to be from couples who are around your age group. No, your parents are not allowed to give this letter. This is basically an agreement from your relatives that in case of any eventuality (if both the adoptive parents pass away), they shall undertake care of the child.

Check out who, among your family, will be willing to provide an undertaking letter. My sister and brother-in-law gave one undertaking while a cousin and her husband gave the other. We had approached them very hesitantly, but both of them had replied, "Even if its not a legal obligation, we would do it anyways!"

Basically, my family rocks!

Permanent documents

1. Aadhar cards
2. Passports
3. Ration card
4. PAN cards
5. Drivers' license
6. School ID card of kid, if applicable
7. 10th, 12th and college marksheets and certificates

Temporary documents

1. Recent family photograph (The couple and kid, if applicable) to be handed over to the Social Worker
2. Pasport size photographs
3. Salary slips for the past 6 months
4. IT returns for the last three years
5. Employment proof
6. Investment proof for bonds
7. Insurance policies
8. Property registration documents

So go on, get your paperwork ready!

Getting ready for adoption

The decision to add a child to the family irrespective of whether the child will be biological or adopted, is a HUGE one.I am not even going to start speaking about the responsibilities:)

While most of us go with the flow for the former (You know most people follow the unstated one year cooling off period before jumping into having a child! I kind of fall in this group too and I love being a biological parent every bit :D ), we generally take time to consider adoption as an option.

A lot of people ask us why? Well, we do not have an answer. Both of us had a really strong feeling that we had a child out there who belonged with us, waiting for us to get her home. As a family, we believe more in soul-connections than bloodlines. And as both of us tend to play by our hearts, and seldom by the rules, registering was the next natural step.

Look at the photo, don't you think we were meant to be a family, all along?

When we saw friends, from more or less similar walks of life, around us adopting, our decision only grew stronger. We now had people who we could talk to, discuss our fears, clarify our doubts. This support group is a great blessing when it comes to adoption. I am ever grateful to those friends who guided me through the process and patiently addressed my panic calls

Some of my friends have told me they adopted because they already had a child of one gender and wanted one of the other. Some have told me they had waited long enough for their child to arrive and were going to adopt. Some have told me they just have more room and much more love in the family that they could share with another baby.

We had an almost two year period from when we started thinking seriously about it to the day we registered. In our case we have little A, our biological son. As much as we wanted to be a 100% sure about adoption, we wanted him to be sure too as this would be a huge game changer for him!His little sister would be as much part of his life as our daughter would be in ours.

During the process of deciding, it is important not to rush your partner or your child. Different people take different amount of time to decide, and the registration should happen if and only when all are ready. In my case, one of us was ready in a month and the other partner took around two years.

Who did we consult before registering? Well, with the exception of a dear friend who explained the entire process over an hour long phone call, none. It was a decision taken entirely by us as we knew that parents might not be a 100% okay to begin with. So, we registered and then immediately informed our parents.

Should you follow our footsteps? Probably not, we are not good people to follow :D Work according to your family dynamics.

If you have adopted, what was your reason? Do leave a comment


Upcoming post alert- list of documents needed for adoption

Adoption diaries

The What’s, Why’s and How’s of adoption

Professional Disclaimer: The information given below is based on my experience. I am in no way responsible for the accuracy of the information. Do understand that the process keeps changing from time to time. You should get in touch with the CARA helpline for accurate information

Personal Disclaimer: This post and the ones to follow, are NOT meant to promote adoption and definitely NOT meant for gloating! These hopefully will help throw more light on the process once the decision has been taken by the parents.

Since I am fresh out of the process of adoption in India, I have been asked a lot of questions about the process. I have tried to give as much information as possible. Do leave comments if you have specific questions and I will address them.

If you have decided to be a parent through adoption, first off- Congratulations!! Now, start off with going through the official website of CARA, the Central Adoption Resource Authority (And that would be www.cara.nic.in). This is the ONLY LEGAL way to adopt in India. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT adopt through other means as it amounts to child trafficking. A little patience and process can avoid lots of unpleasant complications in the future.

What you need to do

                Register at the CARA website. Do this as soon as you decide upon adoption as the waitlist is built based on the date of registration. This step includes furnishing your information, uploading supporting documents and choosing the local Specialised Adoption agency aka SAA who will be in charge of your home visit

                Ensure that you upload all the required documents correctly at the first time as this can save you a lot of rework and waiting

You also get to give preference of top three of states where you like to be matched to a baby. You can also state ‘All over India’ as your choice.

What the SAA will do

                The SAA will first accept your request and schedule a home visit (In my case, the home visit happened on the 90^th day of registration). On the appointed day and time, the Social Worker visits the entire family and interviews and counsels you on adoption. It is essential to have your spouse. In case you already have a child, it is imperative that the child is also present and, God willing, displaying their best manners J

After the home visit, providing the SAA finds your family acceptable, a Home Study Report (HSR) is prepared and uploaded against your profile in the CARA website

What CARA does

CARA now places you on the waitlist and trust me from this day on, you cannot help refreshing the page every day to see how you have moved up! You need to play out this waiting game unless you want to be matched with a kid in the Immediate Placement list (from where I found my lo)

CARA provides the medial report of the baby and the statement from the social worker responsible for the baby. Between these two reports, you get almost all the information you need to decide. These reports tell you how and when the baby came into their care, any hospitalisation thereafter, the list of immunisation done, the physical and mental development of the baby. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that a detailed evaluation of the baby is performed and CARA strives to give as much information as possible.

What you need to do

If you have decided on the baby, go ahead and Reserve the Child. By doing this you agree to report to the home where the baby is and get matched there.

What the adoption agency will do

The agency with which the baby is housed, will match you on your visit. Ensure that you call the agency and fix an appointment for matching.

Once matched, you can meet the baby. And trust me, the first sight is so special!!

You can sign the foster care papers and bring the baby home. From this time the agency will help you with all the legal formalities until you get the birth certificate

Note: For the latest rules and regulations, the time period allotted for each step etc., check www.cara.nic.in

Also, there are separate posts for each step,  where I will tell you what we did, how long we stayed, how we were prepared and so on.